Monday, August 25, 2014

Junior High School and my son's sense of humor

So it is off to school this morning... first day of Junior High for my baby boy... the last of the litter... sigh...
We started off really well, breakfast and teeth brushing and no wrinkles in the clothes... and hair ... perfect....
My son got ready for school an hour before time to go... I went over the fine points again... those things I have been drilling into him since Kindergarten... no running, write down your locker number and the combination... don't lose your id card... eat your lunch... don't share your locker... never give out the combination... don't just give a half smile and expect the teachers/staff/kids to just know that is your greeting... say hello.... be polite... talk to your friends... bu not in class...

OK, I'm nervous for him...

I told him again what the principle told us the other night, that they expect him to do what they tell him, when they tell him, and to do it the way they tell him...  We're not in elementary anymore, Toto...

Like I need to tell him 90% of this, but he is forgetful, and I am so afraid he will forget his locker number or combination, because that is the most important thing... and the most likely thing he will forget....

So, my friend Kevin drove him to school since I still can't drive. I asked to go along, since I am having anxiety and since the the school is further away than the elementary just down the street... and drop off is dramatically different... We can't walk to and from school now, and he will have athletics early at a different location except for the first two days of school..... sooooo.....
On the way I asked my son what he was going to do today, expecting him to recite what I had told him about the locker....
His reply..

... Not poop in my pants...

So he is OK... he has his humor in tact.... He got me to laughing so hard I nearly peed my pants.... Kevin is shaking his head.... and I am thinking that it is all going to be ok.

I have to go back to work today... earnestly try to catch up on my goals for the month, and try to keep focused on work and not on the clock...though I have the alarm set and will be ready to go back to the school early... not sure why early... but I don't want to be late.   I'll probably bake some cookies, not that he will eat any, but I feel like the first day needs something special... Maybe a toasted cheese sandwich?

So, I'll let you know if the day went well, and if the locker/ combination/ id card are safe... and how the dog reacted to him not being home all day... she usually paces down the hallway a few times to his room when he is gone.  This morning... meh... I think she is tired.  She has just been laying around.


Saturday, August 23, 2014

I've been neglectful of this blog, very much so.

I used to write in my blog nearly every day, but it got to be very sad and full of my own self pity... I quit writing pretty much.
 I at least didn't publish what I wrote...
now that blog is gone and I am really sad. I lost all that was on it.
 I didn't keep anything on paper, and my computer fried, quite literally... and anything I had on it is gone.  That poetry, the postings, whether they were pitiful or not... were mine.
What I wrote was me. What I was feeling, what I wanted to say, what I wanted to let out of my soul.

My husband died suddenly, and way too young. I hurt to my core... I can't even begin to say how much it hurt... there is no quantifying the pain....

It happened at a time that was extremely trying for me personally... after the loss of several loved ones... and at a time that I was very ill... to say the least, I was personally devastated. I felt lost and alone... and had to start my life from nearly scratch again... with a young child... I was terrified as well as heartbroken...

My daughter urged me to write. I did... my blog became a sort of lifeline... whether anyone read it or not, it was a way for me to cleanse my soul of the dark demons and the tears.... and it helped me some. I wrote poetry to my husband... I cried as I did. I wrote poetry to my heart... and I cried as I did... I wrote about what the kids did that day... and I cried.... you get the idea... I cried my way through a whole year...

After a year or so, I finally started to be able to not cry when I wrote anything. The quiet nights weren't so terribly painful... and I was starting to be the person that I had once been... not whole, but more intact than I had been since my husband's passing... and I was able to breath without the sobs...

 I was able to think more than one thought at a time without thinking of him....

 and I realized that I was going to go on without him... though I didn't want to... He was my rock... my foundation, my courage and strength... He completed my being...  We had not had enough time together, we had not done the things we had set out to do... to grow old together, to laugh and love more than ever possible... and... well... just to be together...

There I go again.... crying....

So, I quit writing when I started this blog... I kept it to more of my jewelry, but I just had to include what we were up to...kind of like it had to be written, I tried not to put too much personal stuff in, but it is me writing... and I just can't help myself...  I start writing and boom... there it is...

I don't take as many pictures of my jewelry lately... it has all been of the kids, since they are growing up too fast... I want to keep track of them, but I don't want to post here... but Lori Anderson had a blog hop that let you kind of do both... show what you made and write about someone that inspired you or that you wanted to remember with that jewelry... That was wonderful! I remembered my Mom, who is still with us, but is getting older and less present every passing day... I liked that... being able to feel free to post something about someone that I love... and not feeling guilty about it...

If you haven't read Lori Anderson's blog, Pretty Things... well, you have missed out... she has blog hops, and writes about jewelry, and.... she has been writing about her journey in the abyss of illness.... She is talented and funny and has a wonderful creative streak... and she has a heart...

Recently, she has been under fire by people who don't want to hear about illness... and, well, my opinion is.... if you don't want to hear about it... don't read. Simple as that solution.

I decided last night... that I am sad that I don't write. Not that I want to write about any illness... but I might... Not that I want to write about anything personal... but I might... Not that I want to write about my family, but I might.... I think writing is good for the soul. It is the last bastion for our creative/personal/soulsearching/gutwrenching/purging/gloriously satisfying outlet... And it should stay that way. If you happen to read a blog and don't like it... move on....

I have read blogs that remind me of someone or something... and I might write about it... I read someone's blog about their father... and it was ME!!! it was my father that she was talking about.. I don't even remember who it was... but I loved that it reminded me so much of my father... I wrote about him, and I am sure someone out there thinks... she is plagiarizing... but I wasn't.... it was my father... down to the T... and I put it into me... I am sorry if someone didn't like it... but... that was what I was thinking about.... Not jewelry... not creating.... but my dad.

Tonight, I am thinking about school....  Junior High to be specific... not from someones blog but because my son is starting to school on Monday morning.... and this is the last free weekend that we will have... I am afraid until he is out of college... Oh, I know, he will have tons between now and then, but will he? Will he want to spend them with me?  I feel like he is grown up... We had orientation on Thursday night... and the Principle told me that my son doesn't want me to come to eat lunch with him... and that he is going to be fine... and responsible.... OK, so she was talking to the group of three hundred parents (give or take a few) and not exactly to me... but that he is growing up and will be ok... I have to take that as true... and keep telling myself over and over again.. it will be ok... it will be ok....

My own Junior High experience still haunts me to this day... It was the general 7-9th grade experience that most kids have... with the crazy schedules... feeling awkward, sticky locks on lockers... running to classes through overcrowded hallways,... trying to stay away from bullies... trying to live through gym class... trying to figure out boys... trying to grow up... trying to fit in... wanting to be a kid/grownup all in the same minute...

I want to homeschool my son....

I want to build a cocoon around him and not let him out until he is maybe 30?

Sigh...

I suppose he will start school on Monday and he will love the experience... he will have fun and have tons of friends, and he will excel in his classes and golf and band... and will go on to High School and do the same... and then college... and then in his career... and marriage... and kids... and my heart wants that for him... I want him to be the best he can be... and to let the sky be the limit. He has the heart and brains to be what ever in life he wants to be... with a little effort, he will be great!!!

and I miss him already... but in a good way... He is growing up. He is doing what he is supposed to be doing...

sigh....

So...

For me... I am going to start writing again... for me... to help me over the anxiety... to help me over the bad days that I am not able to do anything .... for me on the days that I feel creative and just want to write...

Sorry, if you don't want to hear any of that... please move on... I will... And think a bit about how you treat each other.... kindness is a rare commodity nowadays... to give it is such a sweet gift...