Saturday, August 23, 2014

I've been neglectful of this blog, very much so.

I used to write in my blog nearly every day, but it got to be very sad and full of my own self pity... I quit writing pretty much.
 I at least didn't publish what I wrote...
now that blog is gone and I am really sad. I lost all that was on it.
 I didn't keep anything on paper, and my computer fried, quite literally... and anything I had on it is gone.  That poetry, the postings, whether they were pitiful or not... were mine.
What I wrote was me. What I was feeling, what I wanted to say, what I wanted to let out of my soul.

My husband died suddenly, and way too young. I hurt to my core... I can't even begin to say how much it hurt... there is no quantifying the pain....

It happened at a time that was extremely trying for me personally... after the loss of several loved ones... and at a time that I was very ill... to say the least, I was personally devastated. I felt lost and alone... and had to start my life from nearly scratch again... with a young child... I was terrified as well as heartbroken...

My daughter urged me to write. I did... my blog became a sort of lifeline... whether anyone read it or not, it was a way for me to cleanse my soul of the dark demons and the tears.... and it helped me some. I wrote poetry to my husband... I cried as I did. I wrote poetry to my heart... and I cried as I did... I wrote about what the kids did that day... and I cried.... you get the idea... I cried my way through a whole year...

After a year or so, I finally started to be able to not cry when I wrote anything. The quiet nights weren't so terribly painful... and I was starting to be the person that I had once been... not whole, but more intact than I had been since my husband's passing... and I was able to breath without the sobs...

 I was able to think more than one thought at a time without thinking of him....

 and I realized that I was going to go on without him... though I didn't want to... He was my rock... my foundation, my courage and strength... He completed my being...  We had not had enough time together, we had not done the things we had set out to do... to grow old together, to laugh and love more than ever possible... and... well... just to be together...

There I go again.... crying....

So, I quit writing when I started this blog... I kept it to more of my jewelry, but I just had to include what we were up to...kind of like it had to be written, I tried not to put too much personal stuff in, but it is me writing... and I just can't help myself...  I start writing and boom... there it is...

I don't take as many pictures of my jewelry lately... it has all been of the kids, since they are growing up too fast... I want to keep track of them, but I don't want to post here... but Lori Anderson had a blog hop that let you kind of do both... show what you made and write about someone that inspired you or that you wanted to remember with that jewelry... That was wonderful! I remembered my Mom, who is still with us, but is getting older and less present every passing day... I liked that... being able to feel free to post something about someone that I love... and not feeling guilty about it...

If you haven't read Lori Anderson's blog, Pretty Things... well, you have missed out... she has blog hops, and writes about jewelry, and.... she has been writing about her journey in the abyss of illness.... She is talented and funny and has a wonderful creative streak... and she has a heart...

Recently, she has been under fire by people who don't want to hear about illness... and, well, my opinion is.... if you don't want to hear about it... don't read. Simple as that solution.

I decided last night... that I am sad that I don't write. Not that I want to write about any illness... but I might... Not that I want to write about anything personal... but I might... Not that I want to write about my family, but I might.... I think writing is good for the soul. It is the last bastion for our creative/personal/soulsearching/gutwrenching/purging/gloriously satisfying outlet... And it should stay that way. If you happen to read a blog and don't like it... move on....

I have read blogs that remind me of someone or something... and I might write about it... I read someone's blog about their father... and it was ME!!! it was my father that she was talking about.. I don't even remember who it was... but I loved that it reminded me so much of my father... I wrote about him, and I am sure someone out there thinks... she is plagiarizing... but I wasn't.... it was my father... down to the T... and I put it into me... I am sorry if someone didn't like it... but... that was what I was thinking about.... Not jewelry... not creating.... but my dad.

Tonight, I am thinking about school....  Junior High to be specific... not from someones blog but because my son is starting to school on Monday morning.... and this is the last free weekend that we will have... I am afraid until he is out of college... Oh, I know, he will have tons between now and then, but will he? Will he want to spend them with me?  I feel like he is grown up... We had orientation on Thursday night... and the Principle told me that my son doesn't want me to come to eat lunch with him... and that he is going to be fine... and responsible.... OK, so she was talking to the group of three hundred parents (give or take a few) and not exactly to me... but that he is growing up and will be ok... I have to take that as true... and keep telling myself over and over again.. it will be ok... it will be ok....

My own Junior High experience still haunts me to this day... It was the general 7-9th grade experience that most kids have... with the crazy schedules... feeling awkward, sticky locks on lockers... running to classes through overcrowded hallways,... trying to stay away from bullies... trying to live through gym class... trying to figure out boys... trying to grow up... trying to fit in... wanting to be a kid/grownup all in the same minute...

I want to homeschool my son....

I want to build a cocoon around him and not let him out until he is maybe 30?

Sigh...

I suppose he will start school on Monday and he will love the experience... he will have fun and have tons of friends, and he will excel in his classes and golf and band... and will go on to High School and do the same... and then college... and then in his career... and marriage... and kids... and my heart wants that for him... I want him to be the best he can be... and to let the sky be the limit. He has the heart and brains to be what ever in life he wants to be... with a little effort, he will be great!!!

and I miss him already... but in a good way... He is growing up. He is doing what he is supposed to be doing...

sigh....

So...

For me... I am going to start writing again... for me... to help me over the anxiety... to help me over the bad days that I am not able to do anything .... for me on the days that I feel creative and just want to write...

Sorry, if you don't want to hear any of that... please move on... I will... And think a bit about how you treat each other.... kindness is a rare commodity nowadays... to give it is such a sweet gift...


2 comments:

  1. Personally I have really enjoyed reading your blog. You are so good at expressing yourself in your writing and I envy you that. I have so much I'd like to say but I get all tangled up in words when I try to write. Ten words when two will do....verbal diarrhea. I hope that by reading the blogs of people who have the gift( you and Lori) I will learn how to express my feelings in my blog.It's a wonderful thing to do and connects us all across cyber space. Thank you for writing what you do.Congratulations on raising a wonderful son and I know you will enjoy his accomplishments over the years. They remain your child for life and you remain their mother for life. Relationships change but also stay the same.

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    1. Aw, thank you, but really, verbal diarrhea is a good thing sometime!!! Write like you've no one reading!! I so wish I had kept what I had written in the past, Just to look back and to remember. And I don't get a chance to read a lot of blogs, that is why I loved the blog hops, so I can navigate through the maze that is the internet and find people with common threads... and I love to hear about people. I want to see your dog, your kids, your house, garden, beads, metalwork and anything else you care to post!!!! This is a social media and we need to use it that way! Thank you for coming by and reading!

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