Saturday, September 07, 2013

How comfortable am I?

The judging is on with the Blogger/non-Blogger challenge, it is the last round of the  challenge, and it is really full of nice work. My work isn't that spectacular, but... I love it. Sadly,  I am probably in last place to win... but, hey... I am finally allowing my work to go out there... to be seen and judged. 

I entered the Memories and Thanks Blog Hop last year, didn't get picked, and was kind of relieved. I was sad that I didn't get to participate, but really relieved that I didn't have to be public. This year, I entered and Lori Anderson added me, along with everyone else that entered... and I really enjoyed it. The work was not judged in any way, so I was ok about showing my design with the lovely beads that Shannon Hicks sent to me. The beads were beautiful so I had a wonderful variety to work with.

I also joined in the Bead Hoarder's Blog Hop, which did have a judging, though I didn't enter it...  I just wasn't ready for that. I have also had so much trouble with my eyes this year, that I didn't feel the work was up to my standards... it was creative, but I just didn't want to be out there, being judged... so I had to think about this one... Everyone judges the work, they vote on each of the color pallets they like the most and... mine, sadly, is probably in last place. Well, at least I actually entered it. 

I feel like that, in and of itself, is a big step for me. I have kept myself so far away from everyone and every thing for so long now, that just letting someone see my work is something special.  Yes... this is another one of my oddities... I go to festivals and faires and meet people, and like at the doctor's office...and show off my work there, but it is something different to put your work up there for the whole world to see... or at least my little corner of the world to see... 

I know a lot of it comes from all the problems the past 5 years has brought... or longer than that if I am truthful. It has always been hard for me to meet people, and even harder for me to let my guard down. I can 'meet' people, no bother... But getting to know someone... letting them know you. I don't post pictures of myself...  I did on here recently. I only did that because of the problems that a few of the Bead Soup people have had with a woman who was not who she said she was... I started thinking about it and wrote a blog on it, and thought... nobody knows me from Eve... and if I want to make friends, and actually get to know someone... well, I have to allow them to see me. Not just hear about the esoteric things I write about. I have taken those down.

I really hesitate to write about some of the things that have made me like this. This shut off person that is more hermit than business woman. I hide away and am at peace with myself, with my kids and close friends. But I have found that I am shutting off more and more of my close friends.  I am hard on friends. I expect a lot out of them... family as well. I expect loyalty, I don't want gifts or fake fronts... and I want someone who will stand up for me.  Is that asking too much?

I don't want to be judged either.  I recently told a friend, who I thought was a close friend, that I didn't want to have a friendship anymore... because I am stubborn first and foremost. My friend took something that I said and believed that I was a racist. Well, I don't know that I am or not... I don't think I am, but when faced with some of the things that I say.... maybe I am in some form or other. I think somewhere inside we all are, no matter what our skin color is. We aren't so much racist as that we all gravitate towards people that are similar to ourselves. I like people who bead... who play video games.. who quilt... who are creative... I prefer men that are tall, dark haired, blue eyes... Not overly muscular, but aren't fat... What does that make me?
 I don't think that being yourself or being a friend entails being a color... I don't think it entails being a religion..a race, creed... isn't that how you judge someone by? maybe? I don't know. 
I have seen racism come from so many places... People that are so nice have this side of them... I have a friend, Cynthia... her in-laws don't like her because her skin is lighter than her husbands... I went to school with Paul McIntosh, who was in my estimation, the most handsome man I have ever come across... His team mates called him Chief, to some that is derogatory, to the other teammates, it was a compliment, to him? he didn't care...  
I have friends and family who think the term Indian or American Indian is degrading, and those who don't, you can say native, or indigenous, but to some that is derogatory, you should use their tribal or ancestral name... which even if you are native, you have no idea where some people belong. Sometimes it is just easier in our lazy way... to lump everyone into categories. I have friends and family that don't necessarily like white people... go figure. 

Wow... that just went to a place that I didn't mean to go. But I'll let it stand. 

So,  I told my friend that judged me on something that came out maybe not the way I intended it to... not to judge me... I don't. I don't want to know how bad or how good anyone thinks I am... 
I guess that feeling has morphed into not wanting someone to judge my work, If it is good, someone will buy it, if not, I need to strive to make it better, but in he end, I need to do what I feel led to do, or it won't satisfy me. 

 I have had a long history of being judged. by family, by friends, by my ex, by my kids, by my co-workers, employers, and ... darn it... I just want to be...me. Not making something that has to be judged critically but just creating something that I think is beautiful. That I want to do. 

I also know that sometimes we have to suck it up and just do what will sell... and that is for me to decide if I want to do. If I need the money, I'll make something or do something to make money that maybe isn't what I 'want' to do, but as long as it isn't illegal or immoral... I'm ok with that.  Does that sound contrary to what I have been preaching?

Sometimes I write something or say something that sounds contrary to what I say or do otherwise... and I know that. Sometimes I might say  something,and it just comes out wrong or sounding contradictory. Like, you know, I do have mixed emotions,  I have mixed feelings on a lot of subjects, and I can see both sides of a lot of issues, and I can agree with both sides on some issues... Everything is not black and white... there is so much grey area that you can't just lump things, can you?
 For instance. I loved my ex-husband, I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him...Contradiction? Yes, but that is a no brainer... Both of those statements are true. 
I love a really well cooked omlet... .I can't stand to eat eggs... 
Both of those statements are true. 
I love a cozy, small cottage... I can't stand small spaces. 
Both are true.
I think the borders should be more protected, I welcome immigrants... ...is that contradictory? 
I love to have friends, I can't stand having people around me that are insincere. ... ah, but is that contradictory?

I can be very contradictory, but I am not lying. I don't see that welcoming immigrants and despising illegal immigration is contradictory. We need to make it equal for all to be able to come into the country. Anything otherwise is racist to me.  I always use my sister in law to reinforce this. She had to do it the legal way, and to bring her son... she struggled and did it right. I admire her, I look up to her. She is what the 'American Dream' is about.   It is not a matter of her skin color, religion, creed, but what is right and legal. Is that a contradiction? 

I also believe in giving every child, no matter their skin tone, their background, their belief, the chance to have the dream of freedom, health and, yes... of prosperity. I do ask for loyalty. Loyalty to the country. Is that racist? Loyalist, yes, but is that a bad thing? I don't ask for everyone to believe the same thing... but to pledge allegiance to our country, yes.. I think we need that.  If we are going to live together in this melting pot... we have to stick together.

I lost another 'friend' because I found she wasn't loyal. She talked about me to other people, allowing this to get back to me in short order... she told her friend, who told her bff who told her friend... who told me... You know the drill.  I told her once... that this didn't set well with me.  She tried to blame it on another friend, which might have had some truth in it... but that friend has never admitted to telling anyone anything about me.... so.... when it happened again, and I heard how she was telling someone else everything about me... well...
I guess the term  'please don't talk to anyone else about me' should be explained.... 
And,  I guess I was a bit harsh. I don't have tolerance anymore for anyone that would do something that I specifically asked them not to do. I have kids to raise, I don't need friends that need raising as well.
SIGH.......
Is the idea of loyalty to country such a bad thing? Is loyalty to family, friends such a bad thing? How do you handle someone that is disloyal to you?


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